Battle of Pasadena
by Reparata
Summary: A prank war to end all prank wars to establish, once and for all, just who ruled the roost. Queen Penelope vs Sheldor the Conqueror. But things rapidly escalate beyond mere pranks. Who will back down first?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Something light to jumpstart my return to normalcy. A Sheldon/Penny Tome.

Yes, I've finished the others. Just waiting on my pseudoBeta to respond. I guess she's got a life of her own.

* * *

Pasadena

_April 5, 2013_

_Dear Diary:_

_We are at war! I'm so sick of his crap! He tried to banish me from the apartment just because I questioned his choice of movies. It was my turn, damn it, but I was 6 whole minutes late and so he picked one 'in absentia', whatever the hell that means._

_It was my turn! I guess I shouldn't have told him to 'go have coitus with a cactus' but he really pissed me off! I took my food and left. Screw him and the horse he rode in on!_

_He just stood there and looked at me with those cold beautiful eyes and then started to lecture me about the 'Visitation Agreement' he made me sign after Leonard moved back to New Jersey because his mother had some medical problems and she guilted him into it._

_He's impossible to deal with and so…and so I have to totally dominate him and bend him to my will if only to have the WiFi password. The Mantis Man changed it and now I can't watch reruns of my favorite shows on streaming video. He's done it this time. _

_I shall send him a Declaration of War just like Age of Conan when alliances clash._

_He's gonna beg me to come back. You'll see. Sheldon Cooper will bend to the will of Queen P!_

* * *

She wrote her 'Declaration of Hostilities' in elegant calligraphy and indicated that the 'Prank War of All Prank Wars' would commence at noon on Saturday.

Penny carefully folded and addressed the vellum envelope to 'Conan the Conquered' knowing it would piss him off and she wanted him pissed just as she was.

* * *

Sheldon trudged up the stairs to his apartment, his empty apartment. He never should have imposed such Draconian measures on Penny but he'd simply redrafted an earlier version of the Visitation Agreement that was designed to limit his exposure to Leonard's squeeze-of-the-day, Priya Koothrappali. He overlooked a few provisions but his damned vanity and need for adherence to contract made him impose the stiffest penalty on Penny.

_'I should offer her a waiver of the clauses on page 5 provided she adheres to the remainder. I suppose if I wrap it in a perceived apology she will jump at the opportunity to regain WiFi and the benefits of the Apartment.'_

He would never admit that he missed her. He probably didn't even recognize the nagging feeling that had haunted him all the way up the stairs that he had screwed up big-time.

As his mother's psychologist had told her when she had him 'tested', he was incredibly shy and his 'arrogance of purpose' was a shield to protect the shy little boy that was Sheldon Cooper.

Rather than try to help him, his mother had simply breathed a sigh of relief that he wasn't a potential serial killer and suggested he skip high school and go straight to the university.

It was the right thing to do for anyone except the shy boy who wanted only to be accepted as one of any group.

Sheldon noticed the pale envelope stuck under the door and bent down and picked it up. He ripped the flap open and read the enclosed document and smiled an evil smile that most people would run from.

* * *

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK "Penny"…

The door flew open and the first of the next triplet of knocks hit her in the forehead.

"Ow! Sheldon, what the hell?" She stepped back and went to find ice.

"Sorry, Penny, but you should know better than to interrupt my – "

"Okay, okay…I get it…it's my fault you knocked me in the head with your knuckles. What do you want, Sheldon?"

"This Prank War…we need to establish boundaries."

"No, Sheldon. This whole thing is because of your damned boundaries and rules and contracts and stupid idiotic clauses and codicils and paragraphs. No. It's WAR, Sheldon Cooper, and there are no rules except one."

She was shaking her fist in his face and he shrank back knowing that she could easily lose her temper and strike him in the face or throat.

"And what, pray thee tell me, is the one rule?"

"Victory! And no prisoners."

"That's two, Penny. You said only – gack!" He stepped back, holding his throat and coughing. She really hadn't meant to hit him but he wouldn't shut up.

"G-game on, P-Penny…no holds barred." He massaged his throat.

"Bring it on, Brainiac. I've already struck. A preemptive strike."

"But it clearly states in your Declaration of War that it doesn't begin until noon on Saturday." He whined worse than Leonard sometimes.

"I lied." The smug look on her face irked him. Granted, the pose she struck was vaguely titillating and he knew this vision would fuel his Friday Night self-abuse sessions for weeks but still…

"Fine. No rules of engagement, no boundaries, no limits. You shall rue the day, Penelope, that you struck such a foul blow!"

"_Never give up! Never surrender!_ That's my motto, Shel-punk."

He twitched at the Galaxy Quest reference and resolved to make her pay. She smiled at him, knowing the reference would bug the hell out of him.

He turned to leave but she wasn't finished yet. Oh, no. The first strike was both emotional and psychological.

"Sheldon, I put a pair of my panties somewhere in your apartment. I wore them all day yesterday and all night and I had such a hot and wet sex dream that…"

"No! No you didn't! Oh, how foul and disgusting you are!"

The final blow: "Just be careful what you eat, Moon Pie…or touch…or sit on…" Her maniacal laughter followed him out into the common area between the apartments. He walked over and started to unlock the door when he noticed a slight gleam to the normally flat matte finish on the handle.

…_or touch_… she'd said.

He fumbled around in his messenger bag and removed a pair of latex gloves and carefully unlocked the door, glancing over his shoulder to see if she was watching through the peephole he'd insisted on installing in her door – for her safety.

He heard her obscene giggle and hurried into the apartment and slammed the door.

Penny leaned her forehead on the door and laughed. There was no preemptive strike and certainly no soiled panties hidden somewhere in his apartment. Once again she marveled at the power of suggestion.

* * *

Score!

Queen P 1

Sheldor the Conquered 0

* * *

Sheldon spent hours searching through his apartment for the disgusting garment that she'd hidden without any luck. It wasn't until well past midnight that he'd realized that it wasn't there and never had been.

_'Well played, Queen of Pus! Let's see how you like a real strike!'_

* * *

She'd ruined his REM cycles and she was happy. Penny showered and then crawled into bed, and dreamed of a parade in her capitol city of Penelopolis in Age of Conan. She rode in splendor in her chariot, barely clothed in her armor, through the cheering and adoring crowds. The best part of the dream was that a defeated and naked Sheldor the Conquered was pulling the chariot.

* * *

He used the emergency key to gain access to her apartment. Armed with Saran Wrap and a few other items and malicious intent, he performed his task in absolute silence and darkness and slipped out of Penny's apartment without being seen or heard.

_'Considering the lewd nature of her dream and her moans and gasps, I doubt she would have heard a marching band practicing their halftime show in her cluttered living room.'_

Slipping back into his own apartment, he showered and washed off the camouflage paint he'd covered his face, neck and hands with and then donned his Friday night ensemble and slept the sleep of the righteous.

* * *

Her alarm went off at 8am and she groaned and tossed and turned but finally got up. She had to be at work by 10am and needed to get ready.

She shucked off her sleep shorts and t-shirt and then plopped down on the commode to do her morning business.

"DAMN YOU, SHELDON COOPER!" He had somehow slipped in and covered the toilet bowl with plastic wrap and when Penny let fly…

She took a shower and got clean and started shampooing her hair when she realized…

"DAMN YOU, SHELDON!" He had replaced the contents of her shampoo with vegetable oil!

It took her just a few moments to get her spare shampoo from the vanity and wash the oil from her hair. She carefully sniffed at the conditioner but detected nothing unusual but still…

She brushed and brushed her hair but the more she brushed the wilder it got. Frustrated, she pulled her hair into two frizzy buns and got dressed and drove to work.

_'Enjoy your victory, Sheldon, because it's the last one you'll ever have!'_

She used the time driving to work to plan her retaliatory strike. His routines and OCD would prove his undoing. Laughing maniacally, she went to work, slipped into the storeroom and purloined those items she'd need for her revenge.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: PM me with your suggestions for pranks. Most of mine are hurtful and its not my intent to turn this into a hurt/comfort thing nor is it a Sheldon/Other sex romp.

I really could use your suggestions. In fact, I don't think I can post again without your input...lol

Reparata

* * *

Battle of Pasadena  
Chapter 2

* * *

Score

Queen P: 1

Sheldon the Conqueror: 1

* * *

Sheldon Cooper sat on his spot and grumbled. He was hungry but given Penny's threat, he didn't trust the food in the refrigerator and he was nearly out of High Fiber Sugar Bombs and he refused to eat less than a full bowl on high fiber day. His bowels must be protected since a clean colon was a healthy colon. Less than a full cup and a half of high fiber cereal simply would not do.

His mind delved deep into the bitter bilge of his youth and dredged up memory after memory of being pranked by his so-called peers. Some had been creative and in the true spirit of the practical joke but most had simply been mean tricks designed to humiliate or physically hurt him.

Sheldon knew that Penny would have to respond to his late-night foray into her apartment and he was ready for her. His plan was very simple: he would call a cab, go to the supermarket and obtain a basic food supply, return and then modify the entrance to his apartment into a figurative mine field and simply wait her out.

Penny had absolutely no patience and that would be her downfall.

There was much to be admired about Penny: her breasts, her smile, the curve of her waistline, the delightful sight of her rear end in her tight shorts, her long and lithe legs but most of all he was enthralled by her smile and her eyes. And her hair, although he had a feeling that it would not be quite so perfect today. But he knew her. She would bounce back and strike him where she felt he was most vulnerable.

* * *

Apartment 4B

She waited until she heard him leave and then waited a few minutes more to ensure that he really had departed. She didn't put it past him to simply walk down the stairs and then wait for a bit and then return, hoping to catch her in the act. He'd score a point for that one and she wanted to win more than anything.

Penny slipped silently out of her apartment, tiptoed across the common hallway and then used the emergency key to gain access to her enemy's lair. As usual, it was disgustingly clean and orderly. Well, that would soon change.

She had decided that any assault on his digestive tract would wait until she had him emotionally on the ropes. The snifter of Cayenne pepper, the tiny bottle of Tabasco sauce and the box of white pepper all sat on her kitchen table, unused but in readiness.

She looked around at what she'd accomplished. It didn't look any different to her but she knew that to Shelpunk it would literally shriek 'DISORDER' and that was her intent. He would waste time and energy and be in emotional turmoil while she would take the night off and go bar-hopping with her best friend.

Penny turned to leave but stopped. _'Oops. Almost forgot the surprise!' _She took something out of her purse and walked to his bedoom door.

* * *

Sheldon walked up the stairs to his apartment. Shopping had been completed successfully and his arms were full of shopping bags containing his essentials. He paused at his door and then smirked. The small piece of paper he'd wedged into the door jam near the top and well above his enemy's point of view was gone and instead rested on the floor of the common hallway.

His redoubt had been violated but he was ready for her. He'd hidden a wireless web camera that recorded his living area on his computer and he'd know instantly what she'd done after viewing the playback.

'_Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny. You are so outclassed, outmaneuvered and out of your depth.' _

He unlocked the door and…his nose twitched at the faint smell of her perfume. She _had_ infiltrated his home. He immediately felt the _wrongness_ of his living room. His fingers twitched and his face spawned a tick or two but he resolved to put his purchases away first before reviewing the web cam feed.

'_Patience, Conqueror, patience. No good ever came from haste.'_

Once all his victuals had been placed exactly where they belonged in his cupboards and refrigerator, he booted up his laptop and accessed the stored webcam feed.

'_Why that little minx! That…that…vixen!'_

She had rearranged the cushions on his couch and his cushion was now at the wrong end of the couch. Next he watched as she rearranged his books, previously sorted and arranged alphabetically by subject not title. It was his own system and he'd perfected it after spending wasted hours in the University Library trying to find arcane bits of knowledge carefully hidden in the Dewey Decimal System.

His own was much more efficient. She had attempted to undermine his efficiency but he had blunted her assault by using his mind. In his mind, he'd scored a point even though she'd never acknowledge it.

He watched as she stood at the door, radiant and confident, and then turn back and walk quickly to his bedroom door. He had locked the door in anticipation of a possible foray into his inner sanctum and grinned when she stamped her little foot in frustration.

'_Oh, crap on a cracker! How'd she do that?' _Penny had knelt down before his door, pulled something from her hair, fiddled with it and then inserted it into the lock and opened his bedroom door in less that 10 seconds!

Whatever she'd done in there was outside of the span of the webcam and he cursed his thoughtlessness. He'd underestimated her cunning and skills and now he'd have to spend valuable time scouring the room for traps and tricks and miss his beloved Dr. Who on cable.

Yes, he could always record it but it was the principal of the thing. She'd made him muss up his schedule and he hated that.

Sheldon slipped into his bedroom and turned on the light. Nothing looked out of place. Nothing seemed different but he knew the cunning level of his opponent and so he began his search.

His beloved boxed action figures remained on the shelves exactly where they should be and the color-coded indices of the plastic packaging of his comic books were all exactly in the proper order and he breathed a great sigh of relief.

Her scent pervaded his sinuses and the room and he stopped for just a moment to engage in a time-wasting reverie of Penny in all her nakedness, slipping into his room and then his bed. Although he'd never experienced the act of coitus, he was a man and she was a very beautiful and desirable woman but he knew better. The sun would burn out to a cold cinder before she would even think of him that way.

His bed! Something was different. Yes! She had mussed the covers and…oh God! Had she…in his bed…she wouldn't, would she?

He ran his fingers over the Star Wars comforter that covered the bed and he felt something crinkle under his fingertips. He pulled back the comforter and then the sheet and there it was. A single sheet of paper with ornate calligraphy lay exactly in the center of his bottom Star Wars sheet and when he picked it up he saw the moist spot it had covered.

_Shelasshole:_

_Can you guess what I did in your bed?  
__Can you smell it?  
__Surrender to me. It will only get worse!_

_Queen Pee_

* * *

Club Cooter Bay

"You did what!?" Her friend Jislane was laughing so hard she could hardly breathe. Penny had been telling her about the Prank War between her and Sheldon and having a really good time. She'd blown off a few guys who wanted to dance with her. She wasn't looking for a hookup, just a nice buzz with her best friend.

"It was just a few drops but he'll spend all night sanitizing his room, washing his sheets and comforter and that's the prank. I'm fucking with his OCD and his demands for order. By the time I'm done with him, he'll beg me to come back!"

"Penny, I think you want more than just the WiFi password. I think you're really into this guy and just don't want to admit it. It's 'Sheldon this' and 'Sheldon that'. It's all you seem to talk about. What about that little squinty guy?"

"Leonard? He went home to New Jersey. His mom's sick and he's taking time off, a sa-bat-ic-al, to take care of her. He apparently drew the short straw." Penny carefully pronounced the word that Sheldon had explained to her and made her say correctly 3 times before allowing her to have her Thai food.

Penny wasn't going to get into her non-existent feelings for Sheldon Cooper. Right now she hated him and wanted only to humiliate him and make him miserable. He was such a robot, a dork, a dipshit and he drove her crazy sometimes.

She took another big swig from her Mai Tai and figured that he'd be in the laundry area about now, frantically washing and rewashing his sheets, trying to remove the scent of non-existent urine. It was only Orange Crush but between his paranoia and her note…

* * *

Sheldon carried his laundry in a black plastic trash bag so as not to allow one single molecule of her disgusting deposit to invade his personal spaces and his sinuses. The image of her squatting on his bed to relieve herself was…'disgusting' wasn't descriptive enough but in his current frame of mind it would have to do.

She had crossed the line. He would have to buy a new mattress and box springs and that would put a serious dent in his depleted savings account. His mother had needed surgery and she had no health insurance where she worked and so he'd paid her bills and almost wiped out 10 years worth of savings. It was only money and he had only one mother, regardless of her zealotry and high-mindedness, and he was grateful that he was able to help her.

He stumbled into the laundry room and was surprised to find someone already there. He blushed when she smiled a 'hello' at him and then went back to reading her People magazine.

He returned her smile and she gave him a bigger one and hopped off the dryer and extended her hand.

"Let me give you a hand with that. Do you only do laundry like…once a month or something?"

"No, I just had to…make sure everything was clean in my bedroom." He blushed again and she smiled again.

"I'm Lacey. Moved in here a few weeks ago. I'm in 2A. I don't think I've seen you around. New, too?"

Sheldon didn't have a clue how to conduct a normal conversation but he really wanted to learn and so he made what he hoped was the correct response.

"I'm Sheldon Cooper, 4A. Actually I've lived here for nearly 9 years. Between my work schedule and what few social events I have, I pretty much keep to myself."

"Oh, wait! You're Howard and Bernadette's friend, Sheldon the physicist. I hear you're a shoe-in for the Nobel Prize in physics some day. Cool. I've never met a cute genius before."

Sheldon blushed a dark red and stammered that he was still not finished with his research but he did strive to reach the Nobel before he was 40.

Lacey chatted about inane things and somehow the conversation got on to the 'nutty blonde bimbo' in 4B but she stopped when she saw Sheldon's expression.

"I have _got _to learn to watch my mouth. She's your friend, right? Your girlfriend? I'm so sorry and I apologize sincerely for my big crappy mouth, Sheldon."

"No, she's no longer a friend and never could be a girlfriend. She's out of my league and was dating my roommate, Leonard, but all their relationships crashed and burned. She's more into brawn than brain."

Lacey smiled and said, "Well, she's a damned fool, Sheldon. Muscle turns to fat but a brain can 'exercise' itself right up to the point we die. Besides, you know what all those steroids do to a guy's winkie, don't cha?" She made a wilting motion with her finger and Sheldon had to laugh thinking of Kurt and her other muscled-men.

Somehow they ended up talking about the Prank Wars and when he mentioned 'Queen Penelope' her mind clicked and she shrieked "My God! You're Sheldor the Conqueror! You killed my army, looted and pillaged my villages and took all my damned gold. I'm Lady of the Lace! I oughta smack you but it was fair and square, Sheldor, and I did get your in-game message of apology."

By the time Sheldon's laundry was done he'd found an ally in Lacey. She had the most marvelous ideas about pranking and practical jokes and when he asked her about it she just smiled and said, "I don't know you well enough to get into those particulars, Sheldon, but if you agree to have dinner at my place tomorrow, I'll fill you in."

He blushed a deep scarlet and she laughed at his discomfort. He was such an innocent man in a refreshing way. She felt an instinctive protectiveness towards him.

"It's not a date, Sheldon. Besides, I'm living with someone and it's serious so don't go getting any ideas about the two of us rolling in the hay together. My girlfriend wouldn't like it one bit."

"Oh! I mean…no, I wasn't thinking of it as a date. I don't date. Well, just once and it was a disaster from the start. I don't socialize because it distracts me from my work."

He was lying and she knew it but didn't press the issue. He was painfully shy and hid it behind his whackiness and she found that adorable. She looked at him with her professional eye and saw how much sexier and desirable he could be with the right wardrobe and 'fixings'.

"Okay, Cupcake, I'll see you tomorrow about six. Bring a notepad because we're going to plan your next attack on the hateful Queen." She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and laughed to herself when he turned beet red and turned away. She could feel the heat of his blush from a foot away. She couldn't wait for Riva to meet her new friend.

* * *

Score

Queen P: 2

Sheldon the Conqueror: 1


	3. Chapter 3

Battle of Pasadena

Chapter 3

Penny's buzz fled the moment she walked up the stairs to the 4th floor. Her senses were on full alert as she neared her apartment door. Nothing seemed amiss but that didn't mean a damned thing when one deals with Sheldon Cooper, genius and pain-in-the-ass-extraordinaire.

She half expected her key not to work. It would be just like him to squirt some disgusting concoction into the keyhole and render the lock useless but no, it slipped in without any problems.

She turned on the ceiling light and waited for an explosion, a plague of mice or something equally horrendous but nope, all was exactly the way she'd left it when Jislane picked her up earlier.

Her nerves were on edge and she felt a sense of foreboding when she eased open her bedroom door but again, nothing appeared to have been disturbed.

_'The bathroom! The idiot would concentrate on the one area he knew I am most vulnerable in.'_

She opened her shampoo, the conditioner, checked her body wash for tampering and then finally her toothbrush. Nothing.

_'It's not like him not to lash out with a massive counter-strike. I just haven't found it – crap – my closet! My clothes! That scrawny prick had better not – "_

The closet was exactly like she'd left it – a mess – but clearly it was her mess. She checked the unmade bed but found nothing to suggest a prank.

_'I know he's done something. I just have to find it before it rises up and bites me in my heinie. Now, if were Sheldon, what would I do?'_

After almost 2 hours of searching, Penny sat down on the edge of her bed and fell asleep and dreamed on and off of Sheldon standing over her with a meat cleaver, of Sheldon crawling into bed with her and taking her before she could do more than smile and…on and on, she dreamed of the Moon Pie.

* * *

Apartment 4A

Sheldon snickered to himself as he remade his bed. He'd had a brainstorm and mixed up a solution in his kitchen sink and sprayed it on the mattress. It would detect the presence of urine and it hadn't so he was happy – at least as happy as he could be given the circumstances.

Meeting Lacey and talking with her had been a much needed break and he went over their conversation again and again, looking for some indication that she was a 'Penny plant' but decided that their meeting was nothing more than his good fortune.

He heard Penny stumbling up the stairs singing some head banger ballad and how she'd abruptly stopped and cautiously opened her door, probably figuring that he'd launched a counterstrike but he'd been too busy sanitizing his bedroom to do anything.

Besides, he knew Penny. She'd spend time and effort looking for his prank and that alone was a prank in and of itself although he couldn't claim a point for it, just the psychological advantage. She'd be cranky in the morning and that was fine with him.

* * *

Penny woke up with a headache, not a hangover, a tension headache. She popped two aspirin, showered and dressed for work. She had the lunch shift and would be done by 5 or so and then she was meeting up with Jislane again for some dancing and fun. She needed something to break the tension she was feeling.

Across the hall, Sheldon had been up and moving around, comfortable in his routine and chortling occasionally as he thought about his nemesis in 4B searching for his nonexistent prank. It evened the score in his mind even if he hadn't scored a point.

The day slipped by fast for both of the Prank Warriors and Penny saw Sheldon just as he was knocking on the door of apartment 2A. She shot him a dirty look and then gaped when the door opened and a slutty-looking brunette wearing only a t-shirt and short, very short, shorts, met Sheldon with a huge smile and wrapped herself around him in a liplock that made Penny see red.

"Aren't you going to introduce me to your little friend, Sheldon?" she asked, frostily. The reddish tinge had faded and she saw how he was blushing but not much else because the brunette had pulled him into her apartment, and then given Penny a 'go to hell, bitch' look and slammed the door. He hadn't even noticed she was there.

* * *

Inside Apartment 2A

The brunette peeled herself off Sheldon and he said, "I sincerely hope you're Lacey's roommate." She just laughed and put her arm through his and yelled to the back of the apartment, "Lace, Shel's here and you were right – he's adorable!"

He hated how easily he blushed around women. It was both embarrassing and debilitating. He hated being so shy and backward around people but with women most of all.

"Hey, Cupcake, I see you've met Riva…wait, why are you so red? Riva, you didn't say anything bad – "

"No! I just decided to up the stakes a bit. The blonde was outside shooting nasty looks at Sheldon and I figured 'screw you, bitch' and gave her an eye full. Believe me, the boy's got nothing to be ashamed of and Miss Nasty looked like she'd swallowed something unpleasant. Yep, definitely jealous."

Lacy laughed and then wiped Riva's lipstick off Sheldon's lip with a tissue and apologized. "She's like this whenever a guy shows up. I think sometimes she's a backsliding hetero but I love her anyway. So, tell us all about the latest prank!"

"And tell me all about the blonde who so obviously has the hots for ya!" said Riva.

"Well, there's nothing to tell. She's my roommate's ex-girlfriend twice over and I guess you could say we're friends but she started this prank war and now it's getting out of hand. I won't back down and neither will she. So what's for dinner?"

He was done talking about it but the girls had other ideas, some of them prank-related and some of them related to the unseen but ever-present 'relationship' between Sheldon and Penny.

They ate Yankee pot roast and had wine but Sheldon mentioned his 'alcohol problem' and both thought it meant he was a recovering addict until he corrected them. "Go check out 'Naked Physicist' on YouTube and you'll understand. No tolerance at all."

Riva was an ER nurse and Lacey was a 'dresser' for a studio in Burbank. She explained that she 'dressed' cast members according to the dictates of the costume designer on the set. It was fun and easy money and she'd always had an eye for fashion.

"I could dress you up, Shel, and you'd be so hot that you'd have to beat the wenches off with a stick. Really, it would be so simple…" Her eyes glazed over for a second and Riva warned Sheldon, "Uh oh, I know that look. Prepare for a Lacey Make Over, Sheldon. It'll be fun!"

Sheldon took notes when the conversation finally got around to pranks and by the time he left at 9pm, he'd drank 2 glasses of wine and was definitely tipsy so the girls felt obligated to help their giggling and unsteady guest to his apartment.

"Lacey, let's make some noise so that Blondie knows that Sheldon's got 'overnight' guests. It'll piss her off and maybe let Sheldon get a good night's sleep without worrying about her pranking him while he sleeps."

* * *

Jislane was late picking her up and Penny, impatient to get the hell out of her apartment, and so she left to wait in the lobby just as the two girls helped Sheldon put the key in his apartment door.

Riva heard Penny's gasp of surprise and decided to up the temperature a bit. "C'mon Sheldon. Just stick it in there. You didn't have this problem an hour ago!"

It was all Penny could do to hold back from opening up a huge can of Nebraska whoop-ass on the two girls. She felt a surge of jealousy and anger and stormed down the steps.

* * *

_'They got him drunk and then…oh, Sheldon, first-time coitus wasn't supposed to be like this for you! It was supposed to be special…'_

"That got her knickers in a twist, Riva, you bad girl, you." Laughing, they helped Sheldon into the apartment and to his room that he pointed out to them. "Leave me here. No one goes in my room. Thanks for din-din, ladies. We'll have to do it again."

The pulled off his two shirts and then dragged his plaid pants off and then his shoes and socks. He didn't complain because at some point he'd fallen asleep.

Riva laughed at his Superman briefs and Lacey made a mental note to add 'boxers, silk, black' to her 'dressing' list. Everything else would come from the studio wardrobe and she knew they wouldn't miss a few jackets, shirts, ties and other things.

They left Sheldon sleeping and let themselves out, making sure the door was locked. They decided to see if Blondie was still hanging around but she'd already left.

* * *

Club Cooter Bay

"I'm telling you, Jislane, he did them BOTH! Both of them! And he's with them right now in his apartment and he's doing BOTH of them again and he's drunk on his ass, Jiz!"

'_Uh-oh…someone's jealous! The green eyed blonde is green with jealousy. Might as well have some fun with it!' _Jislane thought. Penny was her bestest friend but sometimes she tended to be overly dramatic and the drama diva was in full bloom.

"Screw him, Penn, let's find some guys with big…noses and have some fun. Forget about the Beanpole. Leonard's due back and I know you said the sex was good…just hookup with Mr. Right Now until Mr. Right comes back from New Jersey."

"But Sheldon's been like my best guy friend forever and now…this damned Prank War drove him to drink and whore around with those two sluts from 2A! I need another drink!"

* * *

Neither Prank Warrior felt up for pranking the next day, Sunday. Both spent the day recovering from their late night activities but Sheldon's mind wouldn't let go of the score and so he sat and outlined an excellent prank that would at least tie the score.

Penny had a dinner date and Sheldon had overheard her lamenting that she had 'nothing to wear' and asking someone named 'Jislane' to lend her that 'tiny black spandex special' of hers. Sheldon's mind poured a naked Penny into a really tight spandex dress and…

_'Down, boy! Down, I say! Okay, where was I? Oh, yeah, the Public Health Service…'_

* * *

He lurked near the door and waited until Penny's date called for her. When he heard her open the door and say 'Hi, let me get my purse,' he walked out and handed Penny an open envelope.

"This was in my box and I'm sorry I didn't see that it was addressed to you and in my haste…well, anyhow, sorry. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again. You need to go by the Public Health Clinic and fill out a questionnaire."

He turned to her date and took out his wallet and handed him a foil-wrapped condom, cautioning him "use it in good health, my good man, and have a wonderful evening."

He walked quickly back to his apartment. He hadn't twitched or felt a tic so all his practicing had paid off.

He heard Penny and her 'gentleman caller' speaking and then she slammed her apartment door and he heard a man's footsteps on the stairs.

Score

Queen P: 2

Sheldon the Conqueror: 2

* * *

Penny sat on her couch reading the letter from the local Public Health Clinic. Apparently someone with an STD listed her name as a 'sexual partner' and she had to report 'as soon as possible' to complete a similar questionnaire and be examined and treated.

She was horrified and mortified. She always practiced 'safe sex' and didn't understand how this could have happened to her. She was mortified that Sheldon of all people had read the letter and then handed her date a condom. Her embarrassment was boundless.

She hardly slept a wink that night and was first in line at the clinic when it opened at 9am. "Here, fill this out and then turn it in to the receptionist. You'll be called by a nurse practitioner as soon as we've processed your list. Here's a pamphlet on STDs so you can learn what to watch out for and not make the same stupid mistakes over and over."

She filled out the forms and completed a list of all her sexual partners in the past 90 days: None. She turned the forms in and then sat down, embarrassed to be in such a place.

A tall, older woman wearing a white lab coat called her name and she followed her back to an exam room. "Take off all your clothes. I'll be right back."

Penny sat on the exam table, naked and worried. The woman came back and asked, "Why are you here? You've had no sexual contacts within 90 days and I checked our database and your name isn't in it."

"I got – a letter." She reached into her purse and handed it to the nurse practitioner. "Here. See, it says – "

"Miss, we don't send out notices unless we can't reach you by phone and this…this isn't even how our letter reads nor is this our letterhead."

"DAMN YOU, SHELDON COOPER! YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!"

Score  
Queen P: 2  
Sheldon the Conqueror: 3


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thanks to the tipster who requested anonymity for her own protection. She directed me to a site that advertised 'LiquidAss' & 'LiquidBarf'. I made some 'product adjustments' for the sake of my story.

The response has been very positive so I'll continue on. Those of you who like 'jealous Penny' will be pleased.

Also, any gay readers shouldn't take offense where none is intended. I've had some 'consultations' about language and such. No offense intended, honest.

Long but I needed to keep continuity.

* * *

Chapter 4  
Battle of Pasadena

Apartment 2A  
6pm

"Oh, God, Sheldon, I wish I could have seen look on his face when you handed him the condom…priceless. And the letter? Incredibly cool. One of the best pranks I've ever heard of. You're the MAN, Sheldon!"

Riva was ecstatic that Sheldon had pranked the blonde so effectively. Even Lacey thought it was pretty damned good and her standards were higher than hers.

"You'll have to be on guard for a few days, Cupcake. You know she's going to want to bring so much shit down on you…just be careful, okay? She might go beyond acceptable pranks and I'd feel terrible if you got hurt somehow."

"We both know not to physically endanger the other. Penny's a hothead but she's not stupid. In fact, even lacking formal education, she's smart and surprises people with her creativity in solving problems."

Lace looked at Riva and smiled. The girls had talked a bit about the 'relationship' issues between the two 'frenemies'. Riva had made her jealous and the two of them had led her to believe that shy, reclusive Sheldon Cooper was a PLAYAH!

"Riva, go find something to do. Cupcake, I brought some stuff home for you to try on and then, assuming your schedule permits, Riva and I want you to take us clubbing tomorrow night? A guy along makes it safer, y'know?" She appealed to his protective nature and he reluctantly agreed. They were going to her favorite bar and he would be the Designated Driver even though they'd be taking a cab.

"Let's see how I look after your 'makeover'. Keep in mind that I am a respected scientist and I don't want to look like a damned hippie!" He actually was worried that people would laugh at him. The derision of others, their cruelty, was one of the major reasons Sheldon became the man he was, shy and avoiding having to deal with people by using his intelligence to form a shield of arrogance around himself.

The girls both agreed that somewhere down deep there lurked a helluva guy just waiting to be pulled out of the robot armor he wore. He was a challenge to them and they never walked away from battle.

* * *

Apartment 4A

Penny snuck into Sheldon's apartment using the emergency key. She hurried into the bathroom and unscrewed the showerhead and put a few gelatin capsules (like medicines come in) in the shower head and then replaced it.

_'I wonder why he never reclaimed the emergency key? It's soo not like him to overlook something so obvious. Maybe this is all getting to him. Well, this prank will definitely get to him!'_

Penny slipped out of the apartment and back into her own. She had a few more ideas and each was more devastating to Sheldon than the one before it.

She couldn't wait for the morning. It would be worth staying up all night just to be awake to hear his agonized screams and the sounds of his retching would be music to her ears.

'_I'll have to thank Jislane's boyfriend for the PowderedAss and the capsules. Now, maybe a little wine and then a nap.'_

* * *

6:30AM

Riva Pool came back early from her shift at the ER covered in piss and stink. The small hospital didn't have staff facilities for showers and when the intern had accidentally cut the urine collection bag on their patient she'd been drenched. She drove home with the windows open and she was afraid her car would smell like drunks' piss for days.

"Eww, what's that smell, Riva?" Lacey was just getting up and making coffee.

"Me. I need a shower. I'm on the brink of barfing from the smell. I'll need to have my car detailed right after I kill a clumsy intern."

* * *

Apartment 4A

Sheldon was up, of course, and eating breakfast when Riva called in tears. "Shel, my shower's broken, no water at all in the bathroom and the super says it'll be hours before a plumber gets here. Can I PLEASE use yours?"

"Certainly. The door's always open to you two. The students are out for quarter break so I'm just sitting around watching Dr. Who before going into the office to do some research. I feel lazy today and haven't showered yet. Help yourself. And Riva, don't worry about falling. I have rubber duck appliqués in the tub for safety."

Fifteen minutes later all Hell broke loose in Sheldon's apartment, or at least the scent of Hell was loose and permeating everything it touched.

Sheldon heard Riva vomiting violently and rushed in and was quickly vomiting along side Riva who was naked and wet and still smelled like a drunk's urine bag but now carried the unmistakable aroma of…crap.

The hot water had quickly dissolved the gelatin capsules releasing a prankster's dream…the smell of human feces. It formed a cloud of stench that flowed out of the bathroom and throughout the apartment.

As a prank it was most excellent but Penny had gone overboard and loaded over 20 capsules with the powder and not the 'one or two are more than enough, Penny' as cautioned by Jislane's boyfriend.

The smell seeped into Apartment 4B and Penny woke up, sick to her stomach.

Her first thought: '_Sheldon's really done it now. He pooped in my damned apartment!'_

Her second thought: _'Maybe I used too much powder. Maybe he's sick, overcome by the fumes and lying helpless in his tub! I gotta save him. I – I'm gonna barf!'_

It flowed down the stairs to the third floor and then to the second and then to the first floor and then the basement and laundry room. Everyone who was home rushed out of their apartments, some gagging or vomiting, adding to the panic.

The landlord assumed it was the plumber's fault and no blame fell on any of the tenants. He was just glad that the residents who'd been sickened by the 'sewer gas backwash' hadn't threatened to sue him.

He spent a fortune on fumigating and 'de-scenting' the apartments the next day and paying for hotel lodging for the tenants.

* * *

TraveLodge Motel  
Pasadena  
11AM

Lacey was beside herself, pissed off beyond belief and she was pacing back and forth across Sheldon's motel room. Her girlfriend was still not free of the after effects of the Penny Prank.

"She's gotta pay, Cupcake. Riva is sleeping and you look like you're going to pass out any minute. I don't care that your Precious Penny was sickened, too. She's crossed the line. No one makes my friends sick. We gotta get even, Sheldon Cooper. Hell, we gotta get ahead! This was no ordinary prank. This was harmful and some of those old lady tenants look like they were going to die."

"Lacey, she's my friend. It was my fault. The Public Health prank was too much and her feelings were hurt and – "

"Oh, no, you don't. This was beyond the pale. It was not your fault but since you feel so bad about it, let's do something wild instead…"

* * *

Jislane's Apartment

"Oh, Jiz, I really screwed up and he's going to hate me forever. I just figured if two capsules were good then more would be better. I never expected things to get so bad that we'd have to evacuate the building."

'_God, she's so dramatic and whiney. She fucked up. It happens. So some people got sick. So what. It makes the prank epic. And no one can trace the blame. What's her problem?'_

"Look, get all gussied up and let's hit a gay bar. We'll dirty dance and flirt and maybe they'll buy us drinks and we'll have fun without being constantly hit on. They're nice people and will respect 'No', believe me."

"I just don't feel like it, Jiz." She figured that Sheldon would never forgive her and that what started out as a fun thing had turned ugly. She knew how Sheldon operated. He'd 'invisibilize' her and never again acknowledge her existence.

"Let your hair down, Penny, and get wasted and forget all about your dreamboat physicist who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground. The bar's just around the corner from here and we can walk and take a cab back. You can borrow one of my dresses and I still have a few pairs of your shoes that I borrowed."

* * *

TraveLodge Motel  
Pasadena  
6:30PM

"There. Perfect. I took a lot of time making you look like someone else, Shelly. Take a look. Riva's almost ready, too. She won't look like herself but don't freak out, okay, honey? Now, don't touch a thing. Sit down and watch TV and we'll both come by and pick you up. And quit worrying. The hair color will come out the next time you shower. And don't fiddle with the mustache and beard. It won't come off unless you use the remover I left for you."

Sheldon looked at himself in the mirror and was shocked to see a stranger in the reflection. His dark hair was shot through with 'premature' gray and he now sported a dark mustache and short beard. It was an excellent disguise and he toyed with trying it out at CalTech to see if his colleagues recognized him.

Of course, the clothes were the real difference. A distressed leather jacket over a black turtleneck t-shirt and black jeans that Lacey told him were 'supposed to be tight, Cupcake'. The wire rimmed glasses with plain glass lenses were uncomfortable but Lacey had threatened him with a wedgie if he took them off. His 'package' seemed to float freely in the silk boxers and he thought he might just dump the tightie-whities for them.

* * *

Riva banged on the door and shouted for him to get his ass in gear. He'd dozed off for a few minutes and lost track of the time. He grabbed his wallet and cell phone and room key and opened the door and then closed it again.

"Hey, it's us, Shel! Open the damned door!" Riva had put a rinse in her hair that made it a bright violet and was wearing a full-bodied black leotard, thigh-high boots with 3-inch heels and Goth makeup. Lacey had opted for the professional look and wore a business suit and white shirt and tie. The skirt ended about an inch below her crotch and she wore pumps with stiletto heels and her black hair was pulled back in a severe bun and her eye makeup was heavily dark.

He opened the door and Riva high-fived her lover and said, "Lacey, you're a magician, and Sheldon, you're hot hot hot! Let's go. I can feel the music, can't you, Shel?"

* * *

The Bitter End Bar

Penny danced and laughed and forgot all about earlier in the day. She was having a good time dancing and shamelessly flirting with anyone within range. She had a wonderful buzz on. Jislane was dirty dancing with some guys and Penny laughed at her friend's antics. Both guys were gay but still sandwiched Jizzy in between them and began humping and grinding and having a great time.

The music and the atmosphere were just what she needed. Oh, and another drink.

Sheldon paid off the cabbie and turned and said, "This is a furniture warehouse. Are we at the right place?"

"It used to be, Cupcake, but now it's the hottest bar in Pasadena. Don't be fooled by the looks. And quit worrying. We'll protect you, won't we, Riva?"

Riva snorted and said, "Just remember, Shel, not all the girls here tonight are gay. Some are just here to dance and drink and have a good time so if one of them hits on ya, don't panic or come running for one of us. Take her back to the motel and bang her ears off!" She laughed when Sheldon blushed and muttered something like 'damned hippies' but followed the girls into the alley and into the bar.

* * *

Penny was leaning against the bar, just chillin' and saw the newest arrivals: two hot looking chicks with one of the hottest guys she'd ever laid eyes on. He looked older than the girls and she wondered if he was their 'sugar daddy' and laughed.

'_Well, I'll just have to see about that._' She frowned when the one girl, the wild looking Goth, pulled him down and kissed him and then walked over to the bar and glared at Penny but ordered a weird drink and then flowed onto the dance floor and found her two friends.

"Lacey – the blonde bitch is here at the bar! Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Sheldon will freak out and want to go."

"I'll handle it." She turned to Sheldon and told him to 'follow me, Cupcake' and walked boldly to the bar, her arm around his waist.

"Hey, bartender, this is our DD. Stamp his hand and give him a coke. I'll have a Margarita." She looked over at Penny and smiled and nodded. "This is a great bar. I haven't seen you here before. With someone or…"

Penny looked past the brunette with the long legs and smokey makeup and looked at her date. Or sugar daddy, she wasn't sure.

"Hi, I'm Penny and I'm here with a friend. Who's your friend?" She was interested in him. He hadn't looked at her once, just stood there, leaning back against the bar, sipping his drink, watching the dancers and holding the woman's hand like he owned her.

Lacey laughed and said, "He's our main man, y'know? Helluva party guy once he loosens up but don't worry about him. We have a very open relationship, the three of us. So, wanna dance?" Lacey grabbed Penny's hand and dragged her onto the floor and started gyrating and grinding her butt against Penny in time with the music.

Sheldon's acute hearing had picked up everything that Lacey and Penny said and he started to laugh. 'Main man', in deed.

The music changed to a slow dance and Lacey grabbed Penny around the waist and started whispering in her ear and then Lacey moved her hands down and cupped Penny's ass. Penny's face turned red and she muttered something about needing another drink and went to the bar and stood next to the 'main man'.

Penny looked at him and was miffed that he was still ignoring her. She knew she wasn't as hot as his 'friend' but still…

"Hi, I'm Penny. What's your name?" Standard opening gambit. She asked the bartender for another drink.

Sheldon turned and looked at Penny. Her makeup was stunning and made here eyes seem huge and the dress she'd poured herself into left very little covered.

"I'm Lee. I'm here with my two ladies. Who are you with?" He let his accent run free. He was going to have such a good time at her expense and this situation had the makings of the ultimate prank that was sure to make her surrender.

"I'm here with my girlfriend, Jislane." She hadn't realized that how she said it made it seem like she was –

"Oh, too bad. Well, different strokes for different folks. My two ladies are more your speed. They swing both ways, if you get my drift." He knew the jargon because Riva had to explain one of her comments that had made Sheldon blush and stammer.

Penny started to explain but he just turned away from her and watched as his two 'ladies' danced and made out like crazy. That pissed her off. She didn't like being ignored.

A couple of guys tried to make small talk with him but he politely told them he was 'straight' and they left for greener pastures.

"Hey, dance with me. I'll protect you." She stepped closer and she could smell his cologne.

"I don't need protected. They're not pushy and respect my orientation just as I respect theirs. I would have thought that you would have been more – sensitive – being gay yourself."

She hissed at him that she was just as straight as he was and he laughed at her. "Sure. My girl has incredible gaydar. She homed right in on you."

"Well, she's wrong. Buy me another drink and then dance with me. You'll see."

He laughed at her. "You're still in the closet, right? Sorry. Didn't mean to 'out' you."

She reached up and pulled him down to her and kissed him passionately. He didn't respond at first but finally started kissing her back. She ran her tongue across his lips and sought entry but he broke the kiss and then Penny demanded that he "Dance with me."

Sheldon could dance. He just didn't like to. It made him feel uncomfortable but maybe it was the disguise that made him do it. No one knew who he was here and no one seemed to pay attention to anyone not in their 'bubble'.

"Okay."

A/N: Will Sheldon prank Penny and if so, how will she respond? Frenemies my butt.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Why oh why all the hate on poor Penny? So she made a mistake but it wasn't intentional. And she did try to save him, right? Shame on you all!

Interest is flaggin and I'll wrap this up soon. I get to go home this afternoon...woot

* * *

Chapter 5  
Battle of Pasadena

"Hey, check it out. Is the War over?" Riva pointed to Sheldon and Penny who were dancing to a series of slow songs.

"Nah. I think our 'main man' has something in the works. I'm going to cut in and get the low down and then we'll see if she comes sniffing around him again or what."

Lacey stalked across the dance floor and tapped Penny on the shoulder and said, "Cutting in, Blondie. You two are getting a little too chummy."

Penny frowned and looked up at her partner but he seemed to be having an intense eye-conversation with his girlfriend or whatever she was to him.

"Maybe later," 'Lee' said to Penny and then he grabbed Lacey and was gone, lost among the other dancers. Penny stamped her foot in disgust and then walked back to the bar and ordered another drink.

"She don't like it when pretty girls poach on him. It's nothin' personal, girlfriend. She's just…really protective of him since he got, um, well, she's just protective. So, you like him, doncha? Lee, I mean. Your girlfriend okay with you playing around?"

Penny turned and saw that it was the violet-haired Goth girl. "She's just a friend. She invited me here for the dancing and the booze. I really fucked up my life and she figured I could use the distraction." She held up her drink and took a sip. "So what's the deal with him…with Lee, I mean."

Riva decided to have a little fun at Penny's expense. She ran her hand up Penny's side and then boldly cupped her breast. "I'd rather talk about you and me and how maybe I could distract you…" Riva felt Penny's nipple harden when she rubbed her palm against her braless breast.

"Um, I'm not…I mean, ah, I'm straight, sorry. But I like your 'main man'. You three have an interesting relationship."

"Yeah, don't we!" Riva laughed and wracked her mind for a suitable 'explanation'.

"It's unconventional but it works for us. He's kinda broken now. He is totally head-over-heels in love with a girl who could never see him 'that way', y'know what I mean? We're helping him out with all the emotional damage and he takes care of us in return for savin' him."

She saw the question in Penny's eyes and continued on.

"Oh, I don't mean he pays us or anything. We both have jobs. I meant he takes care of our 'needs', y'know? He's a really good guy. He doesn't drink and he watches out for us when we party. It'll be a damned shame when he finally finds the right woman and moves out on us. A damned shame. Well, if you don't want to fuck, I got dancin' and huntin' to do. I don't want to pester Lee when we get back to the motel to take care of my case of the hornies."

* * *

Lacey danced with Sheldon, holding him tightly against her and whispering questions and listening raptly as he answered.

"I can't believe she came on to you like that! What's the deal, Cupcake? You got something in mind, don't you? C'mon, Shel, talk to me."

He recapped the conversation he'd had with Penny and Lacey laughed and the smiled up at him. "Y'know, pranking her like this might not be the best thing for your budding relationship, Cupcake. It's so obvious that she's jealous of me and Riva. I'll bet Riva's coming on to her, laying some crazy 'back story' on her about our 3-way deal and making her uncomfortable in her own skin."

"Penny's never uncomfortable with who she is. It's one of the things I lo – admire about her. She's always just 'Penny' in any set of circumstances. She's the epitome of WYSIWYG."

"Huh? Wizzywhat?" Lacey had no idea what he was talking about.

"WYSIWYG is an acronym for What You See Is What You Get. It's a computer term from back in the dark ages and referred to the image on the screen being the exact thing that would appear after the print spooler routine dumped the displayed data to the printer buffer and printed the screen image on paper. WYSIWYG."

"Okay but are you going to try to sleep with her? She's practically soaking her panties and pawing the ground when she looks at you."

"Lacey, that's something I'd expect from Riva not you. Besides, she's really not in play, if I got the term right. My roommate has laid claim, and also her I might add, so it's a moot point. No, I just want to see how long it will take her to realize that 'Lee' is me, nothing more. I do not – have not – um, coitus is not in the realm of possibility with Penny, Lacey. I have dedicated my life to science, specifically the universality of Physics and my quest for the Nobel Prize. I am firmly within the scope of her 'friend zone' if that's the right term."

"Cupcake, that hot blonde should be your 'quest'. I'm telling you, Sheldon, in all seriousness, she's not unattainable, she's just as uncertain about things as you are."

Sheldon snorted and then gave a bitter laugh.

Riva cut in, or rather wrapped herself around Sheldon from behind and started rubbing herself all over him, keeping eye contact with Penny the whole time.

"Riva, please! I'm not that kind of…whoa!" Riva had grabbed his butt with one hand and his crotch with the other and Lacey laughed at the look on his face.

* * *

Penny felt like crying. There was something…innocent and…wholesome, yeah, _wholesome,_ about Lee that she found so attractive. He was like an older Sheldon but better dressed. _'Maybe that's why I like him. He's Sheldon without all his damned issues. Look at how that bitch is touching him! Well, if I'm going to have fun, I'd better get started.'_

Penny got herself sandwiched between two hot looking guys and did the bump 'n grind, making sure that Lee could see her. She winked at him and was surprised to see him blush. She was reminded of how Sheldon blushed whenever she sat next to him on the couch and their thighs touched.

"I've had enough dancing for a while, ladies. I'm going to have another Coke and watch you two have faux-coitus on the dance floor." There was a disgusted tone to his voice but Lacy knew it was directed at what he saw Penny doing as much as to them.

"I'll join you. I could use something cool. Riva, behave yourself." She took Sheldon by the hand and dragged him to the bar. He turned and watched Penny 'dry humping' and when their eyes locked, he blushed furiously.

Lacey beckoned the bartender over and whispered something in his ear and he laughed and nodded. He poured a double shot of Ron Rico Gold into Sheldon's coke and handed it to him. "Let me see your hand, Bro. Okay, one Designated Driver Deluxe Coke. No charge. Enjoy." He winked at Sheldon who blushed again.

"Cupcake, go dance with her. If your prank's going to work you have to get close to her, inside her defenses and then slam the door on her with your revelation that 'I am Sheldon LEE Cooper'. Go on. Finish your Coke and go get your woman."

'_But what if I don't want it to be a prank?'_ he asked himself. _'What if I want her to want me for who and what I am, not this…this costumed man she seems so enamored of. What if – '_

Penny was hot and bothered and needed something to cool her down so she went to the bar just as the tall brunette left Lee to his own devices.

"Hey, what're you thinking about, Lee? You seem so intent on something."

"You, Penny. I was thinking about you." He felt the heat of his blush and once again cursed his shyness. Even as 'Lee', he couldn't avoid blushing sometimes.

"Oh, that's so sweet." Penny turned and stepped closer to him and followed his gaze as he watched his two girlfriends going crazy to some techno music.

"My thoughts, Penny, are anything but _sweet_." He let his eyes roam over her body and she felt an intense heat blossom in the pit of her stomach and her knees almost buckled. It was almost like an orgasm and she closed her eyes for just a moment to revel in it.

The heat in her loins intensified the effects of the alcohol in her system and she ran her palms up his chest and then around his neck and pulled his head down and she kissed him, letting herself fold against him. His tongue swept across her lips, parted them and then he began to really kiss her and when she moaned into his mouth, he knew that he had her right where he wanted her.

"You need another drink, Penelope. You look like you're somewhat overheated," he said when he broke off the kiss and pushed her back on her stool.

She looked at his empty Coke and said, "So do you, Moon Pie."

Sheldon looked at her with narrowed eyes and she stammered and stuttered. "I'm sorry, Lee. It's just that you remind me of this guy and he always… I call him 'Moon Pie' because it's the only time I seem to be able to get him to notice me."

Sheldon signaled for two drinks and didn't notice the smirk on the bartender's face when he served them saying, "Here ya go. One Mai Tai and one Designated Driver Deluxe."

Sheldon forked over a $20 and took a big sip of his drink. Was it getting warmer in here? His mind analyzed the room dimensions and did a few quick calculations and he figured it was because of all the additional BTUs generated by the frenetic dancers.

Penny laid a hand on his arm and leaned up and whispered, "Sorry, Lee," In his ear and then dropped a kiss on his cheek.

They danced the slow ones and Penny was soon drunk on her ass and while Sheldon was feeling no pain, he maintained a rigid control on his pants. Mooning the club would not help his cause at all.

"Oh, it's hot in here. Can we take a walk outside, Lee? I could use some fresh air." Sheldon led her to the door, nodded to the bouncer and led Penny out into the alley.

The cold air was refreshing but the accumulation of all the alcohol on an empty stomach cut her off from any semblance of self-control. She was on him like stink of poop, white on rice, and her lips sucked on his neck while her hands fumbled with his belt.

"I want you, Lee. I want to fuck you so bad. Please, Lee. Oh, damn it, help me out here with this belt, Moon Pie!" She stepped back. horrified by what she called him, swayed a bit and then fell into his arms, out cold.

Sheldon picked her up and walked out to the street where a cab had pulled up and dropped off a bunch of revelers. He placed her gently on the seat and then realized that he had no idea where to go. He didn't know where her friend lived.

"Driver, take us to the TraveLodge Motel on 6th street."

* * *

TraveLodge Motel  
Pasadena  
5:30AM

Penny lurched out of bed and made her way to the bathroom. Sheldon was sitting in the corner of the dark room in a comfortable chair waiting for this to happen.

She threw up in the toilet and didn't react at all when Sheldon pulled her hair away from her face. "Oh, God. Where am I? Who the hell are you?" Her mind finally woke up and she smiled at him. "Is that you, Lee? I don't remember much but…did we fuck? Was it good for you, baby?"

"Let's get you back to bed." His voice was low and sad. She thought they'd had coitus. That she would so easily sleep with someone she'd just met…

* * *

7:30AM

Lacey opened the connecting door between their rooms, hoping to find Sheldon and Penny wrapped up in each other. When the couple disappeared and then didn't come back, Riva had wanted to follow them but they'd already caught a cab somewhere.

Penny was alone in Sheldon's bed, wearing just her panties. He'd hung her dress up and cleaned up her puke where she'd missed the commode the second time she'd been sick. However, on the nightstand was a glass of water, two aspirins and a note written on a piece of motel stationary. It read:

'_Don't worry. Nothing happened. Take the aspirin and drink the water. Alcohol dehydrates the body. The room's paid up through tomorrow so get some sleep.  
_Sheldon'

"Oh, Cupcake, you damned sweetheart." She took the note and went back to her own room, closing the connecting door quietly.

"What's with the long face, Lace? Is something wrong with Sheldon? Isn't she with him? They left together."

Riva hadn't showered yet so she still sported violet hair but the heavy Goth makeup was gone.

"She's still asleep. He's gone. He left her a nice note. Read it yourself." She handed Riva the note and stood looking out the window at the parking lot while she read it.

"She doesn't deserve him, y'know? I think we need to roust Sleeping Beauty out of bed and into the real world. Let me get some clothes on and we'll conduct a freaking intervention."

"He didn't have the heart to prank her. Even though she was going to bone some stranger she picked up in a bar he still loves her. You're right though. She doesn't deserve him. Don't get dressed. We're going to prank her panties off for Sheldon."

* * *

Penny woke up to the nice feeling of someone nibbling on her neck and sucking gently on one of her nipples. She felt several hands roaming over her body.

"Mmm, that feels…Oh, God!" She tried to sit up but two pairs of hands stopped her. "You said that a lot last night. I'm glad you're in the mood for round four."

Penny looked down at the source of the voice that was hovering over her breast and saw violet hair. One of Lee's girlfriends! "Where's Lee? Where is he?"

"Lee? His name's not Lee, Buttercup. Well, his middle name is Lee. He's gone home, probably, although I can't say for sure. You puked all over the bathroom. He cleaned you up and put you to bed. We came in to check on him but he'd already gone. You were so horny and…well, you can imagine the rest."

"OH MY GOD! You're from 2A! Lee is – was this his idea? Is this his revenge prank?"

"Nope. Kinda sad you couldn't see the real him but then you never could. Nothing happened, sweet cheeks. Get up and get dressed and get out. He couldn't prank you. He wouldn't take advantage of you even after what happened outside the bar. You don't deserve him, y'know. This was all our idea. He wouldn't do such a nasty thing, but we would. Leave him alone. He's hurt enough already thinking that you'd sleep with a guy you didn't even know."

Penny dressed and called a cab. Lacey came back into the room and said, "This prank war was pretty cool until things got out of hand. He's a sweet guy. Think about what some casual hookup might have done while you were out cold. He couldn't take advantage to even prank you but I would have in a heartbeat. Your cab's here."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Almost done.

* * *

Chapter 6

Battle of Pasadena  
CalTech  
Physics Department

8AM

Sheldon sat in his office staring at the equation-filled white board just as he'd been since 5:30 when he walked in and closed the door. He was trying to compute a solution to the problem of Penny vs Pranks but without much success.

Angry with himself for allowing things to get out of hand, he sighed and got up and walked out of his office. He needed a hot beverage and the faculty dining room was open 24/7 because 'inspiration never sleeps' and researchers kept odd hours.

Dr. Gabelhauser was just getting in and Sheldon nodded to him in recognition and passed by him without speaking, intent on coffee or tea if they had it.

"Excuse me, sir, but what are you doing here?" Gabelhauser didn't recognize the tall gray-haired man with the beard. At first he thought he was Sheldon Cooper but he snorted at his stupidity. _'Cooper is clean shaven and would never be caught dead looking like he stepped out of GQ.'_

Sheldon was still a little buzzed and his basic playful nature came out to play. "I was hoping you wouldn't recognize me, Dr. Gabelhauser. I don't want to inadvertently change the past but, drat it all, I have, just by being here if the Heisenberg Theory is correct, haven't I?"

Eric stared at the man and mentally erased the gray in his hair and removed the beard and mustache and gasped. "Sheldon? Sheldon Cooper?" He was no genius on the level of Sheldon Cooper but he did know enough to realize the significance of 'change the past'.

"Look, Eric, forget you saw me. I need to find myself and warn me not to continue with the Dark Matter Experiment. The results will prove catastrophic. Look around. All this…will be gone in a sudden flash of energy." Sheldon made a face like he was remembering something dreadful.

"B-But he's not scheduled to begin those experiments until next year. His grant isn't scheduled for funding until…"

"Drat! I'm too damned early. Look, Eric, transfer the funding from Dark Matter to String Theory and don't let me play with Dark Matter. Please, Eric. The consequences…it's why I came back in time. To stave off Armaggeddon but I'm too early, damn it, and I won't believe me. Please! Oh, I feel the Tachyon Shift approaching…I have to get out in the open or God knows where I'll reappear in 2026. Take care, Eric. Take care of the future."

He left a stunned and shaking Eric Gabelhauser leaning against the corridor wall in shock.

Bazinga!

* * *

Sheldon got coffee and a doughnut from the express line and sat in his usual spot in the corner where he sat if he was alone.

He hadn't solved his Penny Problem but he had pranked the crap out of Eric Gabelhauser. _'Dark Matter? What a load of crap. String Theory will handle that bugaboo!'_

He reached a decision and felt comfortable with how to resolve the Penny Problem. He glanced at his watch and then called for a cab. It would only take a stop at the hardware store and then a quick computer session and the War would be over.

* * *

Jislane's Apartment

Penny used her spare key and took a shower and dressed in her own clothes. Jislane was still asleep in bed while her boyfriend was sacked out on the couch. _'Oh, goody-goody-gumdrops! They've had another argument!'_

She made coffee and was finishing her second cup when her friend stumbled into the kitchenette and poured herself a cup muttering, "Oh, bless you, Penn, bless you." She took a long sip and then sat down at the tiny table across from her friend.

"So what time did you get in, Penny? You missed the big blowup, by the way. But I figure you had enough drama in your life and didn't want to share. He's on the couch for a while until he apologizes. BUT…I want details about last night. You left with that guy and his girlfriends didn't seem all that surprised or upset."

After listening to her friend the 'drama diva' blurt out everything that she could remember, Jislane thought about it for a moment and then said, "She's right. About the risks of the casual hookup. Remember that old movie we watched? Looking for Mr. Goodbar, wasn't it? Well…think about it. Sheldon was a gentleman and a true friend to you. I'd have left you on the bathroom floor in your own vomit to deal with it on your own as a lesson."

"Thanks a lot, Jislane" she glared at her friend over her coffee mug.

"Hey, I'm your friend. I tell you those nasty truths because I love ya, idiot."

"Well, thanks, I guess. I'm heading home. I have to talk to Sheldon about last night and…I want a truce. I want things back like they were before all this. I want my friend back. I want to find out why he's hidden 'Lee' away all these years."

"You just want to jump his bones, Penny." She laughed at the blush on Penny's face.

"Well, yeah, okay, maybe that, too."

* * *

Penny drove back to her apartment building. The yellow ribbons declaring it a 'Biological/Chemical Contamination Site' had been broken and the main door was unlocked so she figured it would be okay to go inside. She had nowhere else to go.

There was the almost overwhelming smell of cleaning fluids or solvents or something and for a minute she wondered if the California EPA branch had a crew of 'Sheldons' on hand to clean up contaminated sites.

She stopped outside the door of apartment 2A and could hear music so she figured that 'Sheldon's Girls' were back. She needed to talk to them later when things got back to normal between her and Sheldon but not now. She had something to do first.

She stepped off the last riser of the last set of stairs and sighed. Home sweet home. She sniffed the air but it smelled fresh and not at all like chemicals or, thank God, shit.

There was a large manila envelope taped to her door and she figured it was something ugly from the landlord – like an eviction notice or something. _'Shit! Maybe he's going to sue me!'_

She grabbed the envelope and opened up her door. The air smelled fresh and clean and some kind soul had opened the windows to air out the place. She dropped her purse and keys on the coffee table and kicked off her shoes and plopped down on her couch.

She swallowed her fear and opened the envelope and pulled out a sheath of papers entitled 'Articles of Surrender'. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. He was offering to let her quit if she signed these damned papers! She felt something else in the envelope and shook out a key…his emergency key to her apartment!

What the hell? She quickly read the 'Articles of Surrender' and realized that _he_ had surrendered to _her_. The last paragraph broke her heart.

'_Section 23.7: Victor shall have unlimited access to WiFi and total control over the password contained in Attachment 3. Further, the Vanquished party forfeits all rights to access the Victor's apartment and further revokes access to Vanquished's apartment. Victor is released from any obligations, real or inferred, to the Vanquished.'_

In pen he'd written: 'I surrender, Penny. The only way to win this War is not to play. I quit. You win. To the Victor go the spoils.'

He gave her what she wanted in the first place, the damned WiFi password but had taken away what she needed - him.

She grabbed the emergency key to 4A and stormed over to the door, intent on confronting Sheldon Cooper and sweeping away all the crap that stood between them. She wanted to be more than the Victor. She wanted to be his ally, his girlfriend, his significant other, his bestest-ever friend, whatever term he would use to define her. She wanted him. After all, to the Victor go the spoils.

The key wouldn't even fit the lock. She tried and tried but she soon realized it was a new lock. She dashed back to her apartment and found two hair pins and set to work picking the lock but gave up when she realized that it was one of the new tumbler locks that were pick-proof.

She banged on his door. She kicked it. She shouted at him through the door, she called his number and let it ring and ring and ring but he never acknowledged her presence in the hallway in any way.

'_Maybe he's not even in there. I hurt my damned toe for nothing.'_

She sent Raj, Howard and Bernadette text messages asking them to call her if they'd seen or heard from Sheldon.

Sheldon sat on the roof ledge, his feet dangling over the edge of the 70+ foot drop, swinging his feet like a child on a swing. Now he knew that this was foolhardy behavior and his brilliance was screaming at his monkey brain to get back on the rooftop but the fore-bearer brain just laughed, thumbed it's metaphorical nose and kicked its feet. It wasn't afraid of heights. Saber Toothed Tigers, absolutely but height? NO way. He was a tree-dweller at some point in his evolution and, after all, Sheldon reasoned, ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.

Sheldon was mulling over the increased activity in the medial prefrontal cortex of his brain. He knew, without an MRI or any other external validation, that his medial prefrontal cortex was directly responsible for this sudden reevaluation of Penny's role in his life and his in hers.

How, you ask? He had a doozey of a headache. He had a one-track thought process that, with the exception of time spent freaking out good ol' Eric, rarely strayed from recalibrating his social and personal paradigms.

In other words, he was obsessing over the events of the previous evening and early morning. His mind was making observations, examining each in a critical way, discarding bits and pierces or some wholesale but always thinking, cogitating, trying to develop a solution to his Penny Problem. And it was his problem to solve since it was his emotional construct that had been knocked ass over teakettle.

He had stepped well outside of his comfort zone in his role as 'Lee' and found that he was comfortable with the role and now sought to identify those portions of the 'Lee' structure that he might consider integrating into his more personal interactions with others. He liked dancing with the girls and kissing Penny. Oh, yes. He definitely wanted to do that but knew that Penny was not a viable candidate for someone like him.

Someone like him. There _was_ no one like him. He stood up on the narrow capstones that formed the top of the ledge and began to pace, back and forth, oblivious to the potential splatter pattern his body would make if he took just one tiny misstep.

It was bound to happen. A passerby happened to glance up and saw a man walking along on a rooftop ledge and dialed 9-1-1.

* * *

A/N: Dear 226 readers still hanging in there. I'm home but not really in a writing mood but I'll post shorter chapters as I finish them. Got it ended now got to get there.

Reparata


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Obviously I've been having trouble keeping thinngs straight but I just wanted to give you loyal readers something for the weekend, at least 15 minutes of it. short but necessary.

* * *

Chapter 7finalrevision

Battle of Pasadena

Melissa Hidalgo was an 8-year veteran of the Pasadena Police Department and she liked her job mostly but not today. She and her partner were dispatched to the scene of a possible suicide attempt and she was already shaking.

Flashback

_"Stay back. Don't come any closer. I don't need your help. I don't want your help. I just want you to back off and leave me alone. I'm not going to hurt anyone. There's nothing down there but concrete."_

_Melissa edged toward the short older man who was standing on the wrong side of the pedestrian bridge chain link fencing. Her training told her to establish a relationship with the jumper but…_

"_My name is Melissa. What's yours?" She opened up a dialogue – she hoped._

"_Doesn't matter. Nothing matters. It's too late for anything to matter. Stay back. Don't come – "_

_Melissa grabbed the man's left forearm just as she'd been trained to do and tried to get her handcuffs out of the stiff leather case and cuff him to the fencing. He might dislocate his shoulder or tear some ligaments but at least he wouldn't be face down on the interstate highway at rush hour._

_The man jumped just as she was about to slip the cuff over his wrist._

_The Board cleared her of any wrongdoing but she would always remember the look of accusation on his face when he fell. It was like he was saying 'See? You wouldn't listen and now I'm dead.'_

"Man, I hate these kinds of calls. I'm always afraid I'll freeze up or something…like the last time."

* * *

2311 Los Robles

"I absolutely hate – oh, crap. Look at that. He's walking along the edge of the ledge, just pacing back and forth. Better call for a bag and an ambulance." Melissa was staring up at the figure pacing back and forth.

Each time he reached the end of the ledge he turned around and went back. Either the man had amazing balance or he didn't have the guts to jump so he figured let Nature take its course and he'd screw up and fall, guilt-free.

While her partner called in for the Fire Rescue Squad and their inflatable bag and an ambulance, she went charging in and up the stairs. _'This one's not gonna splatter on me…nope, not this one.'_

* * *

By the time she was on the 4th floor, she was totally winded and gasping for breath. She found the access door to the roof and climbed up the ladder and onto the landing beside the elevator shaft. She stepped out on the roof and saw the jumper start another circuit around the roof ledge.

She walked out and stood near the ledge and shivered when she saw just how narrow a ledge he was marching around on. She eased into his line of sight so as not to startle him and sat on the ledge with her legs on the roof side, her feet planted in Terra Firma.

"Hi. I'm Melissa. What's your name?" Easy start. No pressure.

"Oh, hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Don't tell me we're having another evacuation!" He stopped and looked down at the young police officer that was blocking his path.

"Um, ah, no, not that I know of. Could you please step down off the ledge? You're scaring the hell out of me. I don't like heights and…please, Dr. Cooper?" She already had her cuffs in her hand. If he just came close enough…

"Sure thing, Officer." He hopped down onto the rooftop five feet from her and smiled at her. "You know fear of heights is the most common phobia? I have a fear of germs, enclosed spaces, and failure but not heights. Oh, and Saber Toothed Tigers although I should hardly be afraid of something that's extinct now, should I?"

He sat back up on the ledge and straddled it and smiled at her. She smiled back but it was a weak smile. He could just roll off the ledge and she'd be unable to grab him in time. She started edging towards home, slowly and in a unthreatening manner. Just looking over the edge made her dizzy.

"I came up here to think. I'm a senior theoretical particle physicist at CalTech but my problem has its roots in social interaction not science. I'm not very good with people. I can't read facial and body cues worth a damn. Sarcasm and most humor escape me. I have been likened to a robot or a 'skin job' as in the Terminator series. I suppose I can't blame them for think thusly. They don't really 'know' me at all, none of them do."

AN2: Hey a little effort on the review would be nice. I got the last chapter written but whole lotta nothing in between this one and the ending. A little inpsirational praise would be appreviated. Just don't use big words.


	8. Chapter 8

Melissa felt herself relaxing a little. This nutball wasn't a jumper after all but she still needed him on the rooftop and well away from the ledge. Maybe someone in the building could help her out with known medical problems. Maybe a girlfriend? He was definitely off his meds. She whispered some coded phrases into her shoulder mike and got a 10-4 back from her partner.

"Dr. Cooper, are you on any medication?"

"No, but I did take two Advil earlier this morning. You might want to step away from that spot on the rooftop. I think the ceiling joists are going bad. It definitely sagged under my weight."

"Thanks. Wouldn't want to visit someone unexpectedly." She gave a nervous laugh and Sheldon felt a frisson of pity for her. Poor girl was scared to death of him and he didn't understand why.

"Officer, why are you here? I wasn't disturbing anyone, was I? If I was, I'm terribly sorry."

"No, Dr. Cooper. This may just be a huge misunderstanding. Someone saw you walking along the ledge and thought perhaps you were a potential suicide. Like I said, a misunderstanding."

"Suicide? Not very damned likely. I'm on the brink of proving String Theory and winning the Nobel Prize! Suicide? You can go now that you've settled that. I have no intention of taking my own life. I still haven't resolved my problem and pacing helps immensely. I'm sorry to have brought you up her for nothing. Have a nice day; it was nice talking with you, Melissa."

She got a sad look on her face and shook her head.

"Sorry, Dr. Cooper, but I can't leave you here. You need to come with me down to the ambulance and get checked out. It's procedure. Can we please get off this damned rooftop?"

Sheldon stood up on the ledge suddenly and started pacing back and forth along a short path. "Have you ever found yourself unable to explain why the mere presence of someone makes your life so much richer? Even though intellectually I know that I'm far superior to her and to most of humanity for that matter, I'm so inferior to her socially and emotionally. It's quite the conundrum for me."

"Well, as a matter of fact, yeah, I've wondered about that myself from time to time. There's this guy, he's cute but he's arrogant and cold and no matter how nice I am to him, he's still an insufferable prick but I like having him around, in my life. So yeah, I'm asking myself that right now."

"I went to a dance club last night with two friends and she was there. She didn't recognize me and I felt so damned free. We danced, and believe me when I say that I could never see myself dancing like that, and then I kissed her and she kissed me back. She didn't know it was me who was kissing her. We went out for some air, the BTUs generated by the dancers had heated up the place, and she tried to have sex with me in the alley. The woman who thinks Sheldon is a whack-a-doodle wanted to have sex with Lee because he was 'hot'. That's the core of my problem, Melissa, so I'm up here trying to figure it out."

She eased closer to him but was listening intently to his story. She could almost feel the emotional pain radiating off him when he talked about being a whack-a-something.

"Sheldon, let's get off this rooftop and grab something to drink and talk. Maybe we can help each other. Maybe – "

Just then the access door banged open and her partner came running out, his weapon drawn, shouting at Sheldon to 'get down on the roof and do not move'.

'_This day just keeps getting' better 'n better,' _thought Melissa, wryly. '_Talk about timing!'_


	9. Chapter 9

I was listening to D's iPod and heard 'Bullets in the Gun' by Toby somebody I can't remember and the music set the pace for the action. He likes country music. Ugh!

* * *

Chapter 8

Battle of Pasadena

"Oh, dear. It would appear that not everyone understands this situation as you do, Melissa. From the look on your face I'd say that he is the one about whom you also feel confused?"

"Holster your damned weapon, Kyle, and get away from me, uh, from us. This isn't what it appears to be. And don't even think about using your Taser. It's not necessary."

She turned to look up at Sheldon and said, "Yeah, Dr. Cooper, that's him," in a smaller voice only Sheldon could hear.

Sheldon glared at the male police officer and muttered, "Oh, Melissa, you can do so much better…" and then addressed the officer holding the gun.

"I hardly think threatening to shoot someone you believe is suicidal and currently balanced precariously on a 5-inch ledge is striving for the optimal resolution, do you? While Melissa's approach was less dramatic, it was easier to accept her sudden presence on the rooftop as non-threatening as opposed to your rather dramatic and startling entrance. It's clearly counterproductive. After all, threatening to shoot someone who allegedly wishes to end his life could be viewed as facilitating said attempt, don't you think? Or were you sleeping in Non-Confrontational Approaches to Suicidal Idiots 101 at the Police Academy?"

Melissa thought Sheldon was funny in his own off-beat way but when he stood up to his full height and adopted a professorial manner and lectured her overzealous partner about police procedure, well, it proved too much for her and she started to giggle, then laugh.

"He's got you there, Kyle. It does seem counterproductive to shoot someone to save them."

"Melissa, was that sarcasm?" His innocent question and the look on his face made her giggle again. "No, Sheldon. It was simply a statement of agreement with your observation. FYI, there is no such course at the Academy."

"Ah, I see. Another example of how disconnected I am in relating to common day-to-day social interactions. As for the course, I would certainly hope not."

The scavengers of human carrion, a TV news crew, pulled up and began broadcasting the Event of the Day. In the last century some media print mogul had opined that 'If it bleeds, it leads!' and the 'new media' had embraced that philosophy and a hunger for ratings.

It was as inevitable as sunrise. A TV station traffic helicopter arrived on the scene and soon all of Pasadena and the greater LA basin were 'tuning in' to watch as someone chose to end their life.

"Kyle, get on the horn and get that chopper outta here. This isn't a suicide attempt!" She edged closer to Sheldon who was trying to maintain his balance in the buffeting hurricane winds of the rotor wash while glaring at the cameraman in the chopper a scant few meters away and above them. Melissa was having a hard time staying on her feet in the buffeting winds.

* * *

It was Howard who first realized that the apartment building on the screen was 2311 Los Robles. The commentator was saying that the building had been evacuated due to a HazMat event the previous day and wondered if the 'poor soul' on the roof had been overlooked in the evacuation, or was suffering from the aftereffects of exposure to the toxic substance that caused the evacuation.

Penny answered her phone on the first ring. "Hey, Howard. Have you seen him? Have you talked to him?" She meant Sheldon, of course.

"Talked with him? No. Seen him, yes. I'm watching TV. Tune to channel 3. I'll be right over after I pickup Bernadette from the lab and Raj from his apartment. What did you do to him, Penny? Bernadette's friend Riva told us about the Prank War. Awesome, babe. You've driven Sheldon Cooper to the edge. Literally. Absolutely awesome."

Penny hobbled over to her TV and turned it on. Seconds later she was pounding up the stairs to the rooftop door, her heart in her mouth.

* * *

The scene spread out before her was like some Alfred Hitchcock movie she remembered watching on the late-night black 'n white old movie channel. The hero teetering on the edge of a ledge while a woman crawls up and tries to steady him in the hurricane-force winds and a bad guy holds a pistol on them both.

Except it wasn't a movie, Sheldon wasn't the hero, the woman trying to drag him down onto the roof wasn't her and the bad guy wasn't bad, but rather Melissa's 'insufferable prick' of a police officer partner.

The force of the downdraft from the rotor blades of the traffic helicopter struck Penny as she stepped out onto the roof and she watched as the small woman was blown over the ledge. Penny watched, horrified, when Sheldon reached out and grabbed her flailing arm by the wrist. She knew what was going to happen. He'd be pulled off the roof with her. That just wasn't allowed to happen to her Moon Pie.

Sheldon's mind slowed the action down and his perception of the events was similar to very slow motion. Melissa reached for his hand to steady him and grabbed his wrist just as she was blown off the ledge. Sheldon's hand instinctively closed on her wrist but the angles were all wrong. The force of her outward motion spun him around but somehow he just kept his body in rotation and, like an Olympic hammer thrower, tossed Melissa up and back towards the rooftop. Somewhere in that sequence, his shoulder separated and then effectively dislocated, causing him intense pain but bringing his mind to crystal clarity.

_'That girl needs to bulk up a bit. She's light as a feather even wearing a ballistic vest. Ah, Kyle. Even I can see how you feel about her. Maybe you should tell her before it's too late?'_

He was still in rotation, facing outward and downwards, bent from the waist, and he saw the inflated bag like the one used by stuntmen. His center of gravity had shifted and the physics of his situation poured into his awareness. Angle, trajectory, acceleration and distance all appeared as a labeled diagram on his mind's white board. The equations that also appeared were indisputably correct, of course.

Drat! He would miss the bag by 46.4 inches.

* * *

Time sped up and Sheldon's body obeyed the immutable laws of physics and he pitched forward but outside forces came into play.

Penny had sprinted across the roof in record time and grabbed Sheldon by the belt in the small of his back and braced her feet against the ledge wall and pulled him back and then down onto the roof and into her arms.

They ended up in a clumsy hug.

"You don't get to take the easy way out, Moon Pie. You surrendered to me. You're my vassal, now and forever more, and vassals aren't allowed to die without their Queen's permission. You may kiss your Queen, Sheldor!"

She hugged him fiercely against her, the memory of him tossing the cop up and back onto the roof replaying again and again in her mind.

Sheldon felt his shoulder shift and he groaned in extreme pain and passed out. His last thought was _'What easy way?'_

* * *

_A/N: I have only two chapters left but you can't have them tonight. Sorry._

_Reparata_


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: Done. Fun to write. Hope no one was offended.

Reparata

* * *

Chapter 9  
Battle of Pasadena

Pasadena General Hospital

"I'm not crazy, Dr. N'champa. My mother had me tested." His voice was petulant and he hated the tone. "And besides, as I explained to Melissa, I was thinking and when I think about something esoteric, I pace. It's hardly my fault that somebody decided that what I was doing was an attempt at suicide? I mean, really…"

"Yes, Dr. Cooper, but to society, it doesn't appear as an acceptable method of solving a problem."

"The problem was not expressible as a mathematical construct inasmuch as it was purely emotional. Now, OW, damn it!"

"Should I call a nurse to see about pain medication, Dr. Cooper? You really shouldn't be trying to move your arm at all. I'm sure the doctor – "

"No. I don't take drugs of any kind except those over the counter remedies or those specifically prescribed by a physician I trust, not someone I've never met."

"You were brought in unconscious and it was necessary to operate to repair the damage done to your shoulder and rotary cuff muscle group. You had no opportunity to meet with any medical personnel so your argument is moot. Now, let us talk about what prompted you to consider taking your own life."

"Oh, Saint Isaac Newton, wilt thou not rid me of this woman?" It was the first session of three. Sheldon was being detained on a 72-hour sanity evaluation required by law when a possible suicide attempt was involved. He was not a happy camper.

"You still have not discussed the reason you were prancing around – "

"I. DO. NOT. PRANCE! I'm not insane, mentally deranged or a danger to society although that may not be true much longer if you do not stop this interrogation!"

"Are you always this defensive when your motivation is called into question?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes and then stared at the small woman. "I am not defensive. I am being held against my will in this institution because my behavior does not fall within society's accepted norms, isn't that the real reason? I have an IQ of 187, two PhDs, numerous academic honors and – "

"Sheldon, dear, tell me what the voices in your head are saying? Do they tell you to hurt yourself or others?"

"Voices? What voices? The only voice I've heard lately has been yours and you don't tell me anything. You ask questions that are intrusive and highly personal. I have no idea why you insist on asking me these idiotic questions when I have explained, in aggravatingly excruciating detail I might add, the precise events that occurred on the rooftop of my apartment building."

"Did you or did you not tell Dr. Eric Gabelhauser that you were from the future and that it was imperative that – "

"Absolutely not! I haven't seen Dr. Gabelhauser since…"

"There are video surveillance tapes of you, wearing a beard as a disguise and dressed in clothing that no one has ever seen you in, telling Dr. Eric Gabelhauser that you were from the future."

"Well, there you go. I obviously have no beard and as for futuristic clothing…"

"I never said anything about futuristic clothing, Sheldon, I – " knowing she' caught him up in a lie.

"Dr. N'champa, if I were to pretend to be from the future I would have worn a Star Fleet uniform. What will it take to get me out of this asylum? I cannot lie to you; surely my friends have confirmed that I have no ability to prevaricate whatsoever. My face breaks out in more tics than a herd of feral deer in high summer."

The psychiatrist sighed and stood up, clearly intent on ending the interview. "Wait! Why can't I have visitors? Surely my friends have inquired about me?"

"Oh, they have but you are not permitted any outside contact until I decide it's safe for both you and your visitors. Sorry. Procedure where suicides are concerned."

"Oh for the love of Physics, you nag, I was trying to understand women, one woman in particular. _Satisfied now_? Are you feeling a jolt or two of pleasure in your nethers now that you have peeled the Cooper onion and found my innermost insecurity? Go away. If I wanted to kill myself I'd just subscribe to the Oxygen Channel and die of boredom."

"That wasn't so hard now, was it? I'm going to allow visitors, Dr. Cooper, but there must be a member of the medical staff standing by. It's procedure in the case of a suspected suicide."

"No. That will not do at all. I'm an adult, a taxpayer, a 'solid citizen' and I refuse to allow some graduate of the California Correspondence School of Junk Science to dictate my schedule or to control my life. I'd rather eat worms than submit to this carrot-and-the-stick treatment."

Sheldon closed his eyes and turned his mind inwards, effectively shutting out everything and everyone.

The psychiatrist closed her notebook and smiled. Progress.

* * *

"Go on in. He's cranky and won't take the pain medications but then I'm not a bit surprised. Unless he tries something stupid, like making a break for it, I'm signing off on his sanity. I can't believe I'm saying this but Dr. Sheldon Cooper is too smart for his own good and spends way too much time being someone he's not."

She looked at the people standing in the waiting area and frowned.

"You're his friends, surely you know what I mean. I've never met a shyer man in my life but most of you think his arrogance and narcissism are the 'real' Dr. Cooper but if any of you had taken the time to hear what he wasn't saying, you'd understand that these things are his walls, his fortress, against having to deal with people."

Melissa Hidalgo interrupted the shrink. She came by to thank Sheldon for pulling her back onto the roof. She was off-duty and in civilian clothes.

"When Sheldon and I spoke on the roof, it's procedure to draw jumpers into conversation, anyway, he said that he wasn't very good with people. That you all think that he's some robot or something but that none of you really know him at all. He knows that he's 'socially and emotionally' inept but he wants so much to be 'normal' and loved."

She fixed the doctor with a glare. Melissa figured that the girl with the swollen eyes and red nose was the one he was trying to understand.

"Do you know what he was doing on that rooftop? He was trying to figure out if he was in love. That's all. He couldn't identify how he felt and why. He was trying to solve it as an equation using his science but it wouldn't fit. He wasn't going to jump, Doctor, and that's exactly how I filed my report. So why are you keeping here?"

"State law requires a 72-hour hold in these cases. It also coincides with his surgeon's treatment plan so it's just two birds with one stone. This is not the psych ward, people. It's just an ordinary hospital room but he hasn't realized it yet. When he does, he's going to be totally pissed off." She laughed and waved goodbye to the assembled group and walked to her office.

Bernadette nudged Howard and glared at him and looked pointedly at Penny. "Apologize, Howie, or you can use your hand for the next few weeks. Oh, weeks? MONTHS, Howard Wolowitz, _MONTHS_!"

Howard mumbled an apology and then he and Bernadette left. She had to start a shift at the Cheesecake Factory. She was covering Penny's shifts to allow her to be with Sheldon.

Rajesh Koothrappali stood between Riva and Lacey. "So, you're an astrophysicist, huh? What's a nice Indian man like you doing so far from home?" asked Riva. Lacey rolled her eyes and then had an idea. She really liked the idea of having a guy in their lives, just _not_ in their bed.

"Rajesh, I've got a proposition for you. Are you up for a challenge." She eased herself against him and started rubbing circles on his chest. He gulped but nodded in the affirmative.

"Y-y-yes." Everyone looked at him in surprise.

"Good. We both loved having Sheldon in our lives and we'll miss him. We want a guy to be our main man, to party with us, to have fun with us, and there are benefits, Raj. Just ask Shel – "

"AHEM!" Penny cleared her throat and glared at Riva and Lacey, not having forgotten that they'd slept with Sheldon.

"You two keep your hands off Sheldon. No more 'pigs in the blanket', understand? He's mine and I do not share. We can all be friends but no 'benefits', understand?"

"But Penny," Riva whined, "just think of the possibilities with the four of us – " Lacey dragged her and Raj away before there was bloodshed. She knew Penny got the point. If she thought they'd done a 3-way, so be it. It would keep her honest.

* * *

Bitter End Bar  
6 months later

Raj leaned against the bar sipping his Coke and watched his two lady friends dance and have a good time. Everyone seemed surprised that he could talk with them but he figured it was because he almost thought of them as 'boys' and then corrected himself. They were gorgeous women of no sexual interest to him and therefore he could talk with them.

He no longer invested in sweater vests and greatly enjoyed the shopping excursions with Lacey. He now sported a very hip wardrobe and the straight girls he met were fascinated by his relationship with the two lovers and that always led to other things.

"Hi, I'm Lydia. Lacey told me you were shy and that's fine because I prattle on when I'm nervous. And I'm always nervous around cute guys and…see, I'm prattling."

Raj set down his soft drink and led the tall redhead out onto the dance floor. He saw her 'partner' shooting daggers at him with her eyes and Lydia just whispered that she was 'bi-sexual' and 'not to worry about her 'friend'. Raj started to stutter. He could talk to gay women but not straight ones (yet) but he had no idea how he'd react to a bi.

Penny brushed a few grains of rice from his shoulder, being very gentle with the right one. "How was your final therapy session, Moon Pie? What's the verdict on the shoulder?"

"I'm back to normal and have been for quite a while. I wish you would not nag me, Penny. And please, don't call me Moon Pie. I've told you and told you that only Meemaw calls me that."

"Okay, okay, I get it, Sheldon. Sheesh! You'd think after all these years and after all we've been through together that it would be okay by now." She looked out at the dance floor and saw Raj with a redhead, his 'two ladies' looking on with watchful eyes even as they danced.

"Dance with me, Shel?" She grabbed his hand and gently led him to the dance floor. When they planned, it seemed only fitting that they end up here.

The DJ saw Penny's surreptitious signal and he started to play a series of slow songs and then he made an announcement.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the Bitter End is pleased to introduce for the first time…Dr. and Mrs. Sheldon Cooper!"


End file.
